(Per request of a fellow reader, I have recorded myself reading this blog post)
Dear Reader,
I have started and restarted, attempted and reattempted, erased and tossed out multiple versions of this blog post. There have been many mental blocks that have prevented me from posting a new entry for this blog. For this reason, it has nearly been a month since I last wrote an extended post for my blog. Let me elaborate…
On Writing
Many new and exciting developments have taken place in my life this year—some small and some large. I have started a new part-time job as a writing consultant, been working with teachers in the city on their own inquiry work, participated in a podcast to give recommendations on coffee houses, and taken advantage of the city’s many cultural gems—just to name a few. I have tried to capture and share snippets of these new adventures on Instagram—the only social media site that I have been using consistently. For some funny reason, I find myself less inhibited when sharing thoughts through photographs. Perhaps this is because I think to myself, if my photographs are interesting to look at, then there is less pressure for me to write something substantial and significant. If my content suffers a little, well, then hopefully the photograph will compensate. The same logic does not quite work for my blog posts, even though I have been posting more photographs as well, for the reason that I simply do not post frequently enough. So the pressure is on when I do write, because I want to do it well, and the high bar I set for myself does not make the process any easier.
An eclectic and fun coffee shop in East Harlem! Look for it on my Instagram if you want the name ;-)
I’m sharing all of this because of my desire to make my thinking visible. Many people I have encountered throughout my life have told me that I am a good writer and have suggested that writing must come easily to me. My response is usually a mix of bafflement and appreciation. Yes… while I find contributing my ideas in writing to be easier than saying them out loud, I do not find writing to be an easy task, even with practice. It is almost always a daunting task, and given how hypercritical I am of myself and my own writing, it is usually an ordeal.
I write many recommendation letters for students; I write response papers and essays for class; I write weekly progress reports for my tutees. While these forms of writing differ, they have two major aspects in common: one, they are structured, and two, they all have a definite due date. Writing for personal reasons—writing because I choose to— is a completely different endeavor, and writing for a public (anonymous) audience can be terrifying. On certain days, the more I think about what it is that I’m doing with this blog, the more I retreat from writing because of the vulnerability I feel from putting myself out there. Sometimes, I feel that my writing is too shallow; other times, I wonder what my ultimate point is. With blogging becoming more and more entrepreneurial these days, I find myself lost in what I’m doing and sometimes wonder whether this is sustainable.
My local coffee shop, Stella and Fly Coffee and Wine, where I frequently stay at to write and read.
As I described in the “About” section, I blog both for myself and for others in my community. This blog is my attempt at documenting the changes in different aspects of my life as I navigate the neverending growing up process (which, for me, involves a lot of education). At the same time, it is my way of making sense of the world around me, and to share with readers how I have “made life work” in some ways, what I’m still trying to figure out, and who I want to be/what I want to do with my life. I openly admit that I do not have it all figured out, and for this reason, I sometimes hesitate giving advice and writing blog posts with titles like “10 things you should do…” or “How to be a more successful student…” I find these prescriptive and presumptive, and I am very self-conscious of the power dynamics involved. Furthermore, I don’t see myself as an expert, and sometimes ask myself, “What makes me credible as a writer of these posts?” What I find fascinating is that it is titles like these that catch readers’ attention and that draw an audience to the blog from search engines. With a title like what I have for this post, very few people care to bother reading. What does this say about what we value as readers these days? What does it say about what appeal blogs have for people? What does it say about what we need and seek from others? As a self-proclaimed introvert, I spend a lot of time in my own head, and even more now, given my status as a full-time graduate student of the Humanities, where thinking, reading, listening, and writing occupy nearly 99% of my time. Everything is moving so quickly—the city, time, technological advancements, scientific discoveries—that it can be hard to keep up and to try to make sense of it all. I write to process, to reflect, to identify trends, and to think about next steps.
Last Thursday, I took part in my department’s Curriculum Lab event by taking the subway down to Chelsea by the High Line, where many private galleries are located. I loved experiencing the vernacular photography on display at The Walther Collection Project Space.
On Thinking
When I compare my lifestyle to that of my fiancé Max, who is regularly on “long calls” for a busy cancer hospital in New York City, I am often reminded of the life of luxury that I have as a student. Whereas Max has to get up early in the morning, I have the option to sleep in until 10am on certain days. Whereas his productivity is measured by the number of patient notes he writes per hour, or the number of Google scholar citations he has, or the number of publications (as a first author, really) he has accumulated, my productivity is less defined. And I have struggled with this massively since starting graduate school.
The notion of productivity is complex, and the more I think about what we mean when we say “I have been so productive today,” the more disillusioned I become. Productivity is so often measured by what we can see, by what is tangible, by what we show others as evidence, and by what we think others will consider praiseworthy. So much of our own productivity is dictated by something or someone outside of us. I cleaned the apartment; I was productive because the apartment looks nice again. I finished a paper for class; I was productive because it is one less assignment and I’m getting closer to receiving credit for the course. I ran several errands; I was productive because these were tasks on my to-do list and I physically crossed the items off. I tutored for three hours; I was productive because my tutees felt they learned something new, and I got paid for my time and service, so I must be valuable. How do we measure productivity when we do something that is truly for ourselves, that is more of a process, and that may not be easily perceptive? I’m talking about the behind-the-scenes work of a project; I’m talking about the thinking process involved in so much that we do; I’m talking about spending time with family and friends just because you care and you want to, not to accomplish some goal, or complete a kind of transaction.
My plant family! (Left) A plant gifted to me by my Period 3 Honors Biology class from last year; it is growing robustly. I can’t wait for spring when the flowers bloom once again! (Middle) My only succulent that I adore! So low maintenance that I worry sometimes whether I’m caring for it right! (Right) Another beautiful darling plant from a dear student from my Period 6 Honors Biology class from last year. It’s such an elegant plant!
Sometimes hours pass by when I’m lost in my own thoughts, and I feel guilty for “wasting” time “doing nothing.” I have been trained (or in the words of philosopher Michel Foucault, disciplined and self-disciplined) to produce, produce, produce, and to do so efficiently, that when I slow down and take time to think and reflect, I feel as though I am not doing anything worthwhile, because I’m not contributing “labor” to society in a way that has been “defined” to me by others, because I am doing something for myself, with a purpose to be determined. Productivity, in this way, can be oppressive and anything but liberating. What happened to learning for learning’s sake? What happened to embracing “down time” without being judged by others of being “lazy.” Just because someone is not running around frantically does not mean the person isn’t doing meaningful work. Just because a person leaves work on time (such as when the bell rings in school), does not mean that person is less hardworking than someone who stays hours behind the desk/bench/computer. Just because a student does not speak up in class does not automatically mean he/she did not do the required work and does not have good ideas to share… Productivity is so much about how we use our time in a way that is visible to others. Why should others be the arbiter of our productivity? Because of all of this thinking on my part, I sometimes feel silly having written a blog post about improving productivity.
One of the grandest public library spaces in the city, in my opinion! I prefer working in a smaller, more intimate space (The Map Room, for example!), but enjoy spending a few minutes here absorbing the radiant light and appreciating the abundance of color.
On Wandering
I lead a somewhat nomadic lifestyle here in the city. I wander a lot, both in terms of my thoughts and in terms of actual movement in the city. Instagram followers of @booksmartstreetsmartblog (the account that supplements my blog) know that I post many photographs of where I spend my time in the city. Instagram, like all social media sites, often give an illusion of a person’s life; what we see is what the user most likely wants us to see. In other words, we rarely see the complete story; instead, the narrative presented to us is often in its “final form” and has been curated, or filtered in some way (artistically and/or content-wise). I’d like to think that we all know this, but I sometimes have to remind myself of this reality because I, too, can fall into the trap of comparing my life with that of others.
Let me be clear: I am very well aware that I, too, am curating what I choose to post on Instagram. I post photographs from my on-foot journeys across the city that I deem to be special in some way—whether it is the angle, the colors, the atmosphere, or the people. I often edit my photos to better bring out certain colors; I sometimes play with contrast and exposure to show the contours of a landscape; I sometimes remove colors all together to focus on the people and their expressions (instead of being distracted by the colors). And yes, I do occasionally use filters! What I do not do, however, is alter or enhance people; quite frankly, I very rarely post photographs of myself. The account is not about me; rather, it is about a shared community, and about sharing my experiences, the joys in my life, as well as the frustrations.
One of my best finds while wandering the streets of Tribeca, finding warmth in random shops. This is a vintage print store with the largest and most diverse selection of printed art (so far at least!) You can find the exact location by visiting my Instagram page :D
A person who quickly scans through the photographs I have posted might draw a couple of conclusions:
Catherine has a lot of free time.
Catherine spends a lot of money.
Catherine does not have a real job.
As someone who thinks a lot (see above), I have thought a lot about how I may be perceived (and misunderstood) by what I post, especially by those who do not read the long caption below each of my photographs. While I do not have an official full-time job at the moment, I consider being a full-time student my job. It is more work (mental work, emotional labor, etc.) than many may think. At the same time, I have multiple part-time jobs, for which I am paid, sometimes in the form of tuition reimbursement and other times in actual money that gets deposited into my bank account. Education in the U.S. is expensive and I am paying for it myself; my parents have enough to deal with financially. As for spending money, there’s some truth to that. Max and I do takeout more and more now, because of the limited time we have to cook together. After some tracking of expenses, however, I have learned that it is often cheaper to order food than to buy groceries for a meal. Isn’t that sad? Groceries are so expensive in the city…
A charming little restaurant/cafe in East Village that I came across after dropping my wedding dress off at a tailor. This was my first trip to East Village!
I have more independent time than Max does (who does hold a full-time job); however, independent time is not necessarily “free time.” I use my time to read, to listen to lectures, to write—all of which is required for my job as a student. It might appear to be “free” but it isn’t really. I prefer, however, to spend this time in coffee shops around the city instead of in the libraries at Columbia. That is a personal choice. I am a restless person who gets uneasy spending extended time in official learning spaces. Plus, I love exploring places by foot. There is plenty to experience in the city, which I see as an extension of my rented apartment. It is a luxury to be able to live and study in a city like New York City, so I plan to take full advantage of it. Money spent on coffee shops does add up over time, but I consider it rent money. I don’t get coffee to go; I usually stay for some 1-3 hours to make the $6 (with tip) cappuccino/latte/chai worth it!
Sometimes, wandering can lead you to some unexpected opportunities. As some of you know from Instagram, my coffee house escapades caught the attention of Locasaur, and so I was invited to be part of a podcast to share some of my favorite coffee shops in the city. You can listen to it directly in the browser here (see below), or find it by searching for “Locasaurus Recs” in podcasts. I will be posting separately about the podcast, about the Locasaur app, and will share more about the individual coffee shops mentioned in that conversation.
On In-betweenness
If there is a word that I feel best describes much of my life experiences, it would be the word “in-betweenness.” Now that I am back in school and trying to figure out the next phase of my life, the space of in-betweenness is even more palpable. As a doctoral student, you are being prepared to be a constructor of knowledge, and not be an absorber of currently existing knowledge (although that is part of the training; hence, the abundance of reading). When all of schooling prior to graduate school has focused more on knowledge attainment rather than knowledge creation, this switch can be challenging, and I’m feeling it. And I’m feeling lost and uncertain along the way. What kind of knowledge do I want to contribute? What type of knowledge can I contribute? What are the gaps in our understanding that I can help fill?
This notion of in-betweenness also pertains to time and place. Although I’m a U.S. citizen now, I did not grow up here as a young child. Rather, after spending my first 2.5 years in China with my grandparents, I moved to Stockholm, Sweden to join my parents who were pursuing their advanced degrees. As a young Asian girl with black hair, dark brown eyes, and no knowledge of Swedish, I couldn’t stand out more. But that was OK. I lived and learned in Sweden until almost the age of 9, and while I was very much aware of my own differences (and that of my parents), these differences did not disadvantage me in any way. We were all different to some extent and that just made playing more interesting. However, despite spending almost 7 years in Sweden, I never considered myself Swedish. When I moved to the U.S., I was almost 9 years of age, and that was another new chapter of my life, during which I had to learn my third language. Once again, I was in a new place, lost and uncertain, and had to find my way. Because of my many travels at a young age, I never quite know how to respond when a person asks me, “Where are you from"?” Where am I from? I usually end up telling the whole story of my journeys, because there is not a single place that defines me the most— all of them have shaped me into the person I am today.
I spend much of my “free time” wandering the streets of New York City to find “my kind” of places. Here is an example of such a place. Hutch and Waldo is situated in a space that looks like an old car garage. I can’t wait for warmer days, so I can sit outside!
As for time, I’m in another in-between space. I’m about to turn 29, and I’m a first-year student in a program that will likely take me 5-6 years to complete. So I find myself in this in-between space of student/learner and former teacher/educator. To complicate things, I’m working as a writing consultant and private tutor while being a student, so I have a variety of roles that I’m trying to navigate. This in-between space is so much about embracing multiple aspects of your identity and knowing how to go with the flow. At 29 now, family is obviously on my mind. Many of my friends and former classmates already have families of their own, with 1-2 (and even 3!) kids, along with a few pets. As a professional woman, sometimes you feel yourself pulled in so many directions, which ultimately leaves you frozen in place. So I find myself in this in-between time of still feeling very naive and child-like when in reality, I’m a fully grown adult, and on top of this, I have thoughts of having a family of my own in the near future. It is all very unsettling in my head.
Are you finding yourself in some kind of in-betweenness? How are you dealing with it? I’d be so eager to know!
Other Ruminations
Below are some additional curious things that I have watched/listened to that I would highly recommend!
A new interpretation of Beethoven’s 5th:
A TED Talk titled “The power of women’s anger” by Soraya Chemaly (I discovered this via the TED Talks Daily podcast):
My first time exposed to Posthumanist thought/the Posthuman condition via a talk by Rosi Braidotti:
That’s it for now!
As always, thank you for following along and bearing with me as I sort through life! :)
Warmly,
Catherine