Let me preface with by sharing a personal story and some revelations on the importance of conflict
Many things important in life and essential for navigating adulthood are not taught in school. Likewise, many things taught and emphasized in schools provide only a limited view. Since I’m writing in vague terms here, let me give you a concrete example. I remember taking a history/social studies class in school (a long time ago), and learning about the many stories of people from the past. My teacher would tell us that history is not the study of facts, but the study of people, the narratives of their lives, their struggles and successes, and how those narratives can help us better understand today to prepare us for the future. It sounded really great. For as long as I can remember, however, I never quite cared for history classes in the U.S., which sounds appalling to family and close friends around me who absolutely love the subject. “How could you not love a good story?” some would ask me. I have given this more thought since starting my doctoral program in the Department of Curriculum and Teaching, and I think I’ve come closer to figuring it out.
Staircase in Columbia University Butler Library
Let’s start with the word “history.” Not surprising, it sounds like “his story.” Yes, history is very much about storytelling, but whose story are we learning about in school? Whose knowledge and ways of knowing are valued and normalized through the texts that we read? Whose voices made it to textbooks? Whose narratives have been left out, and importantly, why would their stories not be told? “His story,” as it is taught in many schools (or at least, how it was taught when I was in school), emphasize a dominant worldview, where “dominant” here refers to those in power. Historically, this voice has taken on a masculine tone. History as a subject has often been constructed to serve the interests of those in positions of power (read: certain demographic groups relating to race, gender, sexuality, etc). In elementary school, I remember doing a “long-term project” on a specific Native American tribe that used to inhabit Tennessee. The research was surface-level (background: I was ten and the Internet was not extensive, so I turned to books, which displayed a very narrow, and, shall I say, curated view). Honestly, I hated this project. I did not gain much beyond the frustration of having to create a diorama showing the “typical life of the Cherokee indians” and to carry the whole darn thing to school, praying that it would stay in one piece. And then there was the feeling of defeat when I saw how my diorama next to those of my peers looked pathetic, because I could not afford to spend some $50 on fancy building materials and figurines. The playing field was certainly not leveled; if you had the monetary resources, you would get ahead on this project. Plus, we all presented our project as though we knew what we were talking about, although none of us had read anything from the true perspective of someone who actually experienced life as an indigenous person in Tennessee. What a shame.
A standard seminar room inside the Gottesman Library of Teachers College
I share this story in this post because in many ways, school has failed us students. It has failed to present multiple perspectives of a single event in history. It has neglected to bring in authentic speakers who can tell their story in their own voice to counter the dominant narratives we so often read in textbooks. Furthermore, school has often failed to teach students how to deal with conflict. I speak for myself when I say that, in general, I have not done a good enough job to prepare my students to approach controversies, handle difficult topics, and learn from failures. Maybe I have begun to do this more during my last years at my old school, but certainly, when I started off teaching, I avoided conflict and controversy like the plague, with the fear that I might get fired if I raised a sensitive topic that offended someone in class. In schools, conflict is often treated as inherently negative. Why is this? How do we expect our students to solve dire problems of the world if they all internalize conflict as something innately bad? It is through dialoguing our disagreements that we get closer to reaching consensus to solve a problem. Likewise, the more uncomfortable or unpleasant a topic is, the more essential it is that we begin to unpack the topic and discuss why it makes us uneasy. And all of this should be taking place in school, in a supportive and tolerant classroom, where mistakes have a better chance of leading to student AND teacher growth, where hurt feelings might lead to better mutual understanding, and where insensitive or flagrant language use has the potential to lead to more inclusive ways of talking.
Zankel Hall of Teachers College, Columbia University
I wish these were the experiences we would have more in school, so that our youth are better equipped to deal with real world problems that are anything but “black-and-white” and that require those who disagree to walk in the shoes of another. Perspective taking is so important, and it is too bad that in school, we are frequently exposed to a single dominant perspective of looking at the world. My solution, for now at least? Fill your day with a variety of sources of information. The key word here is “variety.” It is important to diversify and to consider different voices. Don’t get all your news from a single news channel or newspaper. Consider different media outlets and read Op Ed pieces. You may not agree with what it said, but that does not mean you should not even consider someone else’s viewpoint. Listen to debates, and if you feel comfortable, take part in debates. Listen intently to a person’s argument. What is he/she really saying? It what is said grounded in evidence or anchored in emotions? Who does this person represent when he/she talks? Who does this person NOT represent and does this come across from what he/she argues?
How to Talk to and Write to People in a Purposeful Manner: First 6 Examples
“it’s not only what you say and how you say it.” You’ve heard this phrase, right? I sure have, but what I haven’t heard are examples of “how you say it.” So in the remainder of this post, I will share some specific examples that have worked. I encourage you to incorporate these into your life as you see fit.
Example #1: How do you say no to someone with greater authority? Or rather, how do you not agree immediately to something out of pressure?
We have all been in this position at some point. As someone who is really bad at saying no, I have been in this scenario many dozens of times. So here are some phrases/sentences that I would encourage you to practice saying respectfully and with confidence to exercise your agency. Practice saying them in front of a mirror. Recite them to yourself over and over again until it feels natural. Make adjustments to make this your own phrase/sentence.
“Do you mind if I think this over? I’d like to give it some careful thought.”
“I’d be open to that suggestion. Would it be okay if I take a few days to think this over and get back to you?”
Follow up with: “Thank you. I appreciate you giving me this time.”
Then, in a follow-up email, you can respectfully decline, if you need to, after you have given the task some careful thought. Of course, there are times when you just have to do what is asked of you, because it is part of your job description. These phrases are for those times when you feel pressured to take on additional tasks because they are inconvenient for the person asking you to do them. I trust that you will know the difference.
Example #2: How do you talk to someone who is troubled or is causing problems for a group? How do you help that person who is constantly complaining?
When someone complains, what you see/hear are part of the symptom, rather than the problem or cause. Your goal as the friend/colleague/supervisor is NOT to address the complaint, as this won’t help you address the source of the problem. The trick is to get the person to illuminate the source of the problem. This will not only save you time and effort, but also help deepen your relationship with the person. How do you do this? Sometimes, affect is more impactful than content. Instead of giving specific feedback and treating the specific issue, try meeting the emotional needs of the person. Often, encouraging, inspiring, and giving the feeling of support are much more effective than providing specific solutions to each issue. Even if you have the best intention to help, talking less and listening more may be the best way to support someone.
“I know you are brilliant/hardworking/[replace with another descriptor of the person]. This behavior seems out of character for you. Tell me what is going on.”
Then, just leave it at that, and if needed, probe a little further. Just be sure that you are listening more and the other person is talking more.
Example #3: How do you leave a positive impression and maintain relationships with teachers, professors, and/or bosses?
Sample thank you notes from former students and colleagues
I plan to elaborate on this question with a separate blog post in the future. For now, let me say this. There is enormous power to a well-written and handwritten thank you note. Handwriting makes all the difference. It may be more inconvenient for you, but convenience is not something you are going for when building relationships with people. Even if you have sloppy handwriting, that is no excuse for not writing a message by hand. If possible, consider working on your handwriting so that it is at least legible. The content of your thank you note also matters. The more specifics and particularities that you include, the more meaningful and valuable your message becomes. So the next time that you talk to a teacher, professor, or boss, pay attention to details. Try to articulate what about the person you admire. What have you learned from him/her, specifically? Can you give an example of an encounter that stuck with you? Why was that encounter so important to you? Was there something this person taught you or said to you that resonated deeply? Can you articulate that in words to share on the page? In addition to the content, be sure to leave contact information in order to encourage follow-up. Good relationships suggest a future component, so be sure to allow for future correspondence. Include your personal or work email in the note. Be sure that your email address looks professional (if it isn’t, consider investing in a new email address). Make sure your email is one that does not expire (for example, a school email). Also, include personal identifiers. What I mean by this is, be sure that there is enough information about you that the person can easily/quickly recall who you are by name. This is particularly true at the college/graduate school level. This is also relevant when writing thank you notes after interviews. Related to this, include a date on your letter. For example, “October 26, 2018.” This helps the reader locate the context of the letter.
Example #4: How do you prevent regret for something you do or say from reacting too quickly?
We’ve all been there or will experience this one day. Maybe you receive a nasty email that brings you to tears and dampens your day. Maybe someone asks you an insensitive question, or confronts you in a negative manner, and you are just not in the right mood for it. Whatever the occasion, my advice is the following:
If you are able to, wait 24 hours before responding to the email/text. If the confrontation is in person, remove/excuse yourself from the situation. Talk to someone else if you need to in order to get another perspective.
If the email/text is bothering you a lot, draft a response, but do not send it. Sleep it over before deciding to confront.
In this case, not saying or writing anything may be better than taking prompt action.
Example #5: How do you request a letter of recommendation or reference letter from someone and feel confident that it will help you?
First, I encourage you to read an early blog entry in which I describe the proper etiquette for requesting a letter of recommendation.
In terms of what specifically to say to improve your chances of getting the best letter of recommendation, I would recommend this phrase:
“Would you be willing/able to write me a strong letter of recommendation?”
Emphasis is on word choice. Do not simply ask, “Will you be willing to write me a letter?” (Sure, anyone can write you a letter, but just because this person agrees doesn’t mean you will get a good letter. All that the person is agreeing to is a letter, good or bad). Similarly, do you ask “Will you be willing to support me with a letter?” (All teachers try to be supportive and nice when writing a letter, but we also have the obligation to be sincere. Just because a teacher says he/she will support you doesn’t mean that the letter will be particularly strong).
There is a “how” to properly requesting a letter of recommendation for maximum impact
Therefore, start by asking the hard question. Be sure to include the word “strong” when you ask. You would not want any letter that is not a strong letter of support. If the teacher/professor agrees, then you are halfway there, and can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that your letter will be strong. The next step is to send appropriate supporting materials to the letter writer to increase your chances of getting the strongest letter. If the person responds no, do not take it personally. It does not mean that he/she was not willing to write you a letter, but that perhaps that letter would not be the strongest one. Please try to understand that. In many ways, this person is doing you a favor by suggesting that perhaps someone else might be able to help you more.
Example #6: How do you get people to arrive to an appointment/meeting on time without explicitly saying this?
This is something I picked up recently from exchanging emails with professors. This only applies to written communication, however. If you want people to arrive on time, it matters how you format the time. For example, “1pm” is more casual. If you ask people to come at 1pm, it increases the likelihood that people will arrive anywhere from 1 minute to 29 minutes late, since even 1:29pm is closer to 1pm than 2pm. For those who have taken chemistry, it is like a “significant figures” thing. The more digits you include, the more precise your time, and the greater likelihood that people will take your time seriously. If you want a meeting to commence at 1pm, writing 1:00pm is more formal and will give you a better chance of promptness because each minute is accounted for here.
To end this blog post, I leave you with the words from Patricia Fripp:
“Words represent your intellect. The sound, gesture, and movement represent your feelings.”
Just some food for thought as you enter the weekend!
Take care and thank you,
Catherine