The end of August is nearing, which means it is back-to-school season. While most students are relishing their last days of summer---squeezing in that last fun trip, or meeting with friends in their hometown---I am trying to find quiet time to finish up my last set of recommendation letters for college. I have written over a hundred reference/recommendation letters for my students---for college, for summer programs, for jobs, for internships... you name it! Just as people tell you that teaching gets easier year after year (nope!), apparently writing letters of recommendation gets simpler too. That experience has not been mine. I treat each letter as a separate project and, when I agree to write a letter for a student, I take it very seriously, because I know that a generic-sounding letter does not add much to an application. Writing meaningful, unique, and compelling recommendation letters is an art, and teachers in every discipline take hours of their personal time to do this (most often over the summer, when they can finally catch their breath!). Speaking for myself, I spend an average of two to three hours per letter, with a maximum of one letter each day, for this endeavor. 

 If you are a student reading this (high school or college), don’t feel guilty about asking for this favor from your teacher. The truth is, as your teachers, we are eager to support you at each stage of your academic life. We have been through it, too, and we know how important it is to you. Having said that, the manner in which you request a letter from a teacher matters enormously, so you should take the step of asking seriously. Etiquette extends into many domains of your life, including asking for recommendation letters. So here is my list of Do’s and Don’ts when it comes to this essential life skill. Every teacher has his/her own take on this, and here I’m sharing my mine.

 Let’s start with things to avoid:

1. Do not ask for a reference letter last minute and expect your teacher to agree wholeheartedly. A reference letter is an important letter, so you need to plan ahead for it. Don’t wait until two weeks before the deadline to start asking, because that is very little time. Even if you ask your favorite teacher who loves you, he/she will be put in a very difficult spot; don’t do that. You should give your letter writer at least a two-month’s notice (again, in my opinion).

2. Do not ask for a letter when your teacher is busy doing something. I have had students stop me in the middle of the hallway during passing time to ask for a letter. That is a huge pet peeve for me. Not only is this inconsiderate on your part, but also to be honest, I have so much on my mind during those passing minutes that it is unlikely that I am able to pay full attention to what you are saying. 

3. Do not ask for a letter in front of all of your peers, even if they are your best friends and you know they won’t mind. The reality is, your teacher will mind, and prefers if you are more discreet. This will save embarrassment on both sides. Let’s just leave it at that.

4. Do not assume every teacher will agree to write a reference letter. We do a lot of things out of the goodness of our heart, but you should not take us for granted, because we respect you and do not take you for granted. At my old school, there are these generic, overly-simplified “recommendation letter forms” that students can pick up in the career center. I secretly despise those, because they frankly do not offer much information that I’m truly interested in. But the main reason why I dislike those forms is that some students will just quickly grab one, fill it out in less than 5 minutes, and drop it off in my mailbox without a single peep to me. Every time I see one of those written requests (without advance notice), I cringe. Why? Because in the real world, there is no single form that will magically give you what you want. Even a properly filled out job application will often require you to follow-up with an email or phone call, or even in person. Now, if you have done this in the past---that is, dropped off a generic request form without advance notice--- I forgive you, and I apologize if I made you slowly slide down your seat with horror. I don’t blame the students because most of them were never taught the appropriate way to ask. So do not feel bad; instead, read on and take good notes.

5. If you can avoid it, do not ask for a letter over email. I understand that emailing your teacher is more efficient (and probably less awkward for you), but the easy way is rarely the best way. Emailing is less personal, and what you want from your teacher is a personal recommendation letter, not a generic one. So don’t ask in a generic manner. It is OK, however, to send an email to ask to schedule a time to meet and talk about a recommendation letter. That is actually a very wise and mature move. When you send that email, do mention that the meeting concerns talking about a potential letter of recommendation. As I said before, do not make any assumptions. Etiquette matters.

6. Do not ask for a recommendation letter from a teacher to whom you have been unkind. Well, I guess you can ask, but chances are, the teacher will respectfully decline. It serves you well to be a kind human being. Sure, we all have our inglorious moments and outbursts, and sometimes we release our frustrations at our teachers. Sometimes we say mean things that we wish we could take back, and sometimes we blame a teacher for x, y, and z. We forgive you. You are, after all, trying to navigate growing up, and that process isn’t easy. Still, if you are a constant jerk in the class, if you are disrespectful to your peers and your teacher, if you rarely work hard in the course (and choose to be on your phone over listening), then you ought to consider asking a different teacher. Our understanding and kindness have their limits, and we have feelings too. Everything goes both ways in life. Treat others the way you want to be treated (I’m sure you’ve been taught that before). Similarly, be kind to your teachers because the way you present yourself will get reflected in the recommendation letter. Trust me.

7. Do not, all of a sudden, suck up to your teacher because you are desperately in need of a letter and you realize you haven’t been the best person in his/her class. This is dishonest, and we will see right through your behavior. Instead, be honest with yourself and with your teacher. Ask to set up a one-on-one meeting (do NOT bring friends for emotional support). During that meeting, apologize for your past behavior and reflect on ways you want to change. We have your best interest at heart and we believe in second chances (I personally believe in third and fourth chances, too), but you need to show us that you are mature enough to admit your faults and to do better. I have written a very strong letter for a former student who averaged a D for the year in a science class, whose work ethic was poor and whose mannerism was always negative in the beginning of the year. This student realized half-way into third quarter that this was not reflective of the person he is and he took steps to change. And he did, and he impressed me with his maturity and determination. His resilience helped him end the fourth quarter with a B- and a personal best score on a unit test. More importantly, he showed gratitude and he pushed himself to do more. I have much respect for this student, and I made sure my reference letter put into context his previously poor grades, and I made certain to emphasize his personal and academic growth. This particular student ended up going to the college of his choice. So the lesson is this: It is never too late to learn or to change, but the desire to change must come from you. And you need to take responsibility for your success.

Here is what you should keep in mind when you ask that teacher for a recommendation letter:

This list will be less exhaustive, as many of the complementary points have already been addressed above.

1. Ask early. How early is early? A good time to ask is the academic semester prior to when application season starts. That means, if you are a junior in high school or in college preparing for that next stage in your life, spring is a good time to ask. Of course, if you know that your program/college admits new students in the spring rather than in the fall, then you should ask in the fall. In essence, if you are asking when you are putting together your application, then it is considered late. One of the first things you should do when starting an application is to request your letters of recommendation. It is better to be too early than to be too late. This will give you time to have proper sit-down conversations, and to ask additional teachers, if the first round does not work out. If you wait too late, it will get stressful for you and the letter writer.

2. Ask in person. Not only will you leave a good impression, but also will you increase the chance of having your request be granted. It is okay to be awkward during this in-person meeting. But I promise you that it gets easier and less awkward the more you do it. Even if you don’t have the best interpersonal skills, you can still ask for a letter in a respectful manner.

3. Come prepared. After you schedule an in-person meeting with your teacher, be sure to come prepared with what you want to say, in addition to having at hand some materials of what might be helpful. For example, be ready to share some of your long-term ambitious and career interests. If you know what programs you are interested in, be sure to communicate that. For those students in college, it is a good idea to come prepared with your academic transcript, resume/curriculum vitae, and even snippets of your personal statement (more on this in a future post). The more prepared you are, the more productive the conversation can be, and the more substantial your letter of recommendation will likely be.

4. Communicate and stay in communication. When a student asks me for a letter of recommendation (for college), I always have that student fill out an extensive questionnaire. I know that many teachers do this. Think of this questionnaire as an opportunity, and not a burden. If I were you, I would take the questionnaire responses very seriously and put a lot of thought into writing up detailed responses. Highlight your strengths; don’t be shy about what you would like the teacher to emphasize. Also, be very specific. I often draw inspiration from a student’s responses when typing up my letters. Sometimes, a student is very quiet in class, rarely shares in person or in writing; it becomes difficult for me to “read” this student and to comment on non-objective aspects of his/her qualification. When such a student puts in the time to provide detailed responses, it really helps me to put this in perspective and to fill in the gaps of my take on the student. Furthermore, check in with your letter writer every now and then. Remind him/her of the deadline and ask if he/she needs anything else from you. Staying in contact helps to maintain relationships.

5. Follow-up with a hand-written note. Gifts are nice, but not necessary. A thank you note is a kind gesture that is very much welcomed. You don’t have to be the most eloquent writer or have the neatest handwriting to send your teacher your thanks. As a high school teacher, I don’t expect thank you cards from my students, but I am always impressed by those who take the time to write me one. That is a sign of maturity. Some of you already do this for your teachers (even if you are not requesting a letter), and I think that is a wonderful habit to get into. If you were taught to do this by your parents, then you should thank them, because this is one of the easiest and most important skills to develop: how to express your thanks. I will devote a separate post to the power of the hand-written note. If you are a college student asking for a letter, then thank you notes are absolutely imperative, because a lot more is at stake as you enter graduate school or a profession.

 So with all that said, I hope this guide is helpful and gets you thinking a bit more about the art of asking for a letter of recommendation. There are some slight variations depending on the stage in your life (asking as a high school junior, as a college student, as a young professional, etc.) If you have any related questions or feedback, please share in the comments section.

Once again, thank you for supporting me by reading.

Warm regards,
Catherine